*inspired by https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/other-vaccines-we-should-manufacture-in-2021
It’s-Tricky-Reels-RX-V
One of Moderna’s most effective vaccines, this formula strengthens the immune system against the yoga Reels-induced ruination and/or overkill of once-beloved songs by artists such as Run DMC (“It’s Tricky”), the Black-Eyed Peas (“Where is the love?”), The Sugarhill Gang (“Apache”), OMC (“How Bizarre”), Ciara (“Level Up”), and so on. Note: A second dose is required to receive full protection against the accompanying cringey-play acting, over-simplified floating captions and regrettable dance moves of yoga instructors apparently losing it in Covid times.
Recent-Online-TT-Grad-Thrax
This newly developed vaccine is 94% effective against brand new teachers who graduated in 2020 from a 3-week online YTT who’ve never attended yoga class in person and want to teach you everything they learned onscreen yesterday. When injected into a person’s butt cheek or brand-name yoga pants’ patented sculpting fabric, this Pfizer vaccine unleashes a torrent of antibodies that guard against these enthusiastic YTT grads telling you about “love and light” as they attempt to sit on you in pigeon pose.
Bandhas-B-V
This vaccine targets the largely Ashtanga-specific disease that causes teachers to reply “Bandhas,” in answer to everything, like: things the teacher does not know the answer to, “what is the missing half of this golden locket?,” “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?” and “what will make me better at handstands/backbends/orgasms/nirvana,” as well as, “Who will win the Bachelor?,” “When will Covid be over?” and/or the reason why you can or cannot do every single pose under the sun.
99% of the vaccine’s target recipients are male ashtanga teachers with man buns who never wear a shirt. Also alleviates accompanying symptoms of being kind of a pompous ass while saying “bandhas” in response to everything.
Delusions-of-Medical-Degree-Via-200hr-TT-Fever-V
This Merck Vaccine targets the immune system against the infectious delusion that being a yoga teacher qualifies you to give out medical advice to students and/or strangers on the internet. The Vaccine strengthens the part of the brain that knows you never went to medical school, you’re not a doctor, and in fact, never even took AP Bio. Specifically, the shot inoculates teachers against making “yoga-cures-all-bs-pseudoscience” statements about how this or that pose, Doterra oil or Mercury in/out of Retrograde will cure someone’s diabetes, skin cancer, acne or Covid or frozen shoulder (also known for its adorably viral ad campaign featuring Bernie’s mittens meme and your local teacher’s vision board).
Fancy-Anatomical-Jargon-Booster
When properly administered, this vaccine immunizes against rolling your eyes every time a teacher drops some insanely fancy-sounding anatomical jargon typically covered in the 3rd year of medical school, such as “Sternocleidomastoid.” While relatively mild, getting hit with anatomy from teachers like this, who typically just finished a YTT, anatomy workshop, episode of Grey’s Anatomy or just need to overcompensate — can just be really, really annoying.
Gorgeous-Hot-Insta-Yoga-Girl-Envy-E-V
Novovax’s newest vaccine, it has shown robust protection against feeling like crap when you see gorgeous hot insta yoga influencers in bikinis doing press-up handstands in Costa Rica. It’s still awaiting FDA approval, but has nearly unanimous support among the actual population of non-sponsored, non-brand ambassador humans doing yoga who are sick of feeling like they’ll never measure up. The ideal injection site for this vaccine, according to Novavax, is directly into your Instagram feed.
Knitting-Ribs-Cue-POX-V
One of Glaxosmith-Kline’s most popular vaccines, this inoculation was created to slow the spread of perplexing yoga cues such as “knit your ribs.” Indeed, this shot was formulated after conducting extensive investigation into how attendance at yoga class seems to require an extensive knowledge of yarn crafting once thought reserved for purveyors on Etsy. A single dose in the arm fortifies the immune system against teachers who peddle this cue oblivious to the reality that few students know how to knit sweaters, let alone their ribs.
50% of the vaccine’s action is specifically aimed against Anusara yoga teachers likely to be wearing floral printed bell bottom yoga pants, name dropping “Shiva Rea” and prone to also cueing students to “melt their hearts.”
Insta-Tutorial Fluenza-V
Not so much a vaccine but more a belief that Instagram yoga would be more fun and beneficial if we developed herd immunity against seeing nonstop yoga tutorials by physically gifted people that fail to provide any meaningful teaching. A former acrobat turned tattooed yoga teacher offering a tutorial for handstand (Step one: down dog. Step Two: kick into a perfect handstand, near a cliff) is not helpful for 99% of the population.
Guru-Off-V
This vaccine, engineered by an entirely female team of Astazeneca’s scientists/yoga practitioners who’ve had enough of fallen Gurus, narcissistic handsy teachers, and other serious threats to their own self-agency-Bullshit. Administered like bug spray on your skin, it’s 96% effective at fortifying your own boundaries. It further works to keep creepy cult-y peeps and wanna-be guru-power-hungry-hippos from preying upon your vulnerable human feelings and desire to belong. Requires regular reapplication, especially before social media usage. These critters are everywhere.